How I Realized I Was Old: A Tale Of Disgust

I used to think I was pretty savvy when it came to slang words. But the other night I experienced something so horrible I cried, both because my ears could not unhear what they had heard and because I knew my days of being with it were absolutely behind me.

As a teenager, “yoink” and “SIKE” rolled off my tongue with ease, “Talk to the hand!” was my go-to comeback. In college I spent my summers as a camp counselor for middle-school and high school students, which kept me abreast of the latest in how to talk about sexual things indirectly (I’m looking at you, rainbow colored rubber bracelets).

In my young 20s I snickered with my girlfriends as recalled explaining to my bosses the meaning behind phrases like “booty call”, “pearl necklace” and “teabagging”. Everyone my age knew what these things were, and I couldn’t imagine there was a time that I would ever be the one who was old and out of touch.

Until now.

There I was, enjoying a late-night session of mommyporn (Pinterest, cat videos and Ryan Gosling memes)  when I stumbled across a Buzzfeed video titled: What is Truffle Butter. Because I often watch Buzzfeed videos of millennials trying weird foods, I thought this going to be just another video of gangly Keith Habersberger making quips about fancy butter made with expensive mushrooms, so I hit play.

If I had a delorean, I’d go back and change what happened next, but I can’t.

As it turns out, truffle butter is, in fact a delicacy, if your idea of good eats is slurping up bodily fluids from your lover’s neither regions after a combination of sex acts. Think about that for a second. Got it? I know, here, use my bucket.

Not only was I thoroughly grossed out by what I’d just learned, combined with my horror was the tragic realization that I was no longer down with the cool kids. I’m disgusted on so many levels right now.

Image via MorgueFile/doctor_bob

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